a round-up of tonight's headlines
the end is nigh
brace yourselves for another tsunami
osama bin laden's been rallying forces
as we head for worldwide ecological catastrophe
the government's issued a general alert
your mp3 player is making you impotent
your microwave's making your hair fall out
and everything gives you cancer
you're already infected with bird flu and SARS
and you probably don't even know it
global warming is a serious issue
as are
moral decline
acid rain
and the breakdown of the family unit
suicide bombers are mixing dr pepper and tango into something explosive
gangs of junkie youths with ASBOs and hoodies
and probably AIDS
are going to mug you and murder your family
and record the whole thing on their mobile phones
the guy who runs the corner shop
has a jihad against you
and everything you stand for
our children are no longer safe
extremists want to destroy our way of life
and they've got ricine and anthrax
and shoes they can detonate
we never found saddam's weapons of mass destruction
which only proves how well he stashed them
there are snipers on rooftops
subliminal messages of death and damnation hidden in the lyrics of popular music
the last thing you ate was genetically modified
the ice caps are melting
and pretty soon we'll all be underwater
it's okay to be scared
you'd have to be mad not to be
because there are bad things afoot
so remember to lock all the doors
and always carry your rape alarm and pepper spray
and make sure you've got plenty of batteries and canned food and bottled water
to help you survive a nuclear winter
because it's when now
not if
there'll be tornadoes and blizzards and shoot-outs and looting and biological warfare and hard drugs and necrophilia and famine and lawlessness and plagues of locusts
almost makes you wonder
if there's
really
any point
giving up smoking
bravenet.com